The first time I climbed a tree

I will never forget the first time I climbed a tree. It was that summer of '98, the same one I got my dog Max and discovered the stars. I can actually remember quite a lot about that specific summer: Dad was working at a post office, Mom was a bartender in Turner's Bar, and I was glad I had so much time to spend out doors, hanging out with my friend Sarah who lived next to us. We used to go downtown together, to beg for some free ice cream (this young girl Molly had this little food truck beside the beach that sold cookies and ice cream) and hopefully, if the weather would allow it, we’d get into the sea and swim. After that we would dry in the sun, run back home and just be.

I can remember so badly wanting a bike, I guess every kid in town had one and it would be way better to travel from one place to another in one rather than walking or running. But it's too expensive, Mom would say. So I dreamed in vain, it's not like you can control those kinds of things anyway. We were just kids. 7 years old, enough to be wise for the important stuff, not enough to be aware of how fragile everything was. Nothing at all was perfect, yet at the same time, in a kind of way it really was. I remember my parents being in love with each other, I remember having 20p once in a while with which I'd proudly buy Sarah a chocolate, I remember the feeling of finally getting into the cold sea and floating, I remember saying hello to Mrs. Simpson next door every morning while she watered her plants, I remember every single detail of the way from home to downtown. I remember Mr. Kennedy lecturing me about how I had to read more and play less. I remember, God I remember that morning taking a different way to town. Sarah stopped at this huge tree and challenged me to climb it. If you are as brave as you say so, just do it, she'd say. I said of course I would, I wasn't afraid at all, and I would certainly do so.

So I decided I would climb it.

He was so grand, I felt so immensely small. His wide, old, dry, wise, brown, wrinkled trunk stood beside me. It really looked as if he was saying to me “come on boy, dare”. Not exactly encouraging me to do so, but in a malicious way, as if saying “if you do dare, I'll just move two inches to the right so that you can't get to my thickest branches”, or better, “I'll just move from one side to another with the wind, and that my dear friend, will definitely make you fall”. I turned around and saw Sarah there, just waiting. She was so beautiful and sassy.

So I began to climb it.

First I made sure my trainers were properly tied, I didn't want to slip over some rotten branch and lose one of my shoes. I needed to be steady, I needed to feel safe. Then I dried my sweaty hands on my shirt, it was a very hot summer and you would easily sweat, even the kids. So when I felt comfortable enough, I stepped onto one of the biggest roots. I managed to reach one high branch with my arm, and with a quick jump I could start climbing higher and higher. I had to be very precise, the right step at the right moment, otherwise I would fall. I mean come on, the girl of my dreams was watching. As I rose, I felt this weird and nice anxiety inside me, my heartbeats became faster and at every beat I took a quick short breath.

I wouldn't stop. I would reach the top, I would reach the stars, I would look down at my girl from the highest sight I would ever get to. And at one point, now that I think about it (of course I didn't realize it then), the climbing ceased to be about Sarah. I had to prove something to myself, I really wanted to be brave, I wanted to feel the rhythm of life, one step, one hand, one grab, one glance, one step, one hand, one grab, one glance, another glance, a heartbeat, another step, one beat, one branch, one ray of sun, one huge trunk, one tree, one boy, the sky, one step, the sun, one step, the stars. It was all about the rhythm, it was all about the maths. Everything had to be neat, everything had to be perfect. I couldn't lose control, even when things would suddenly turn upside down: the sky became the grass, the leaves became the sun, the trunk became myself. Deep breaths, deep thoughts, I had to recover from the dizziness, I had to compose myself, see things clearly, get things right, one step, one hand, one grab, one glance. And suddenly the fear of falling, the fear of shame was fatal and-

Stop.

I realized I had to block my mind for once and be free. Follow you gut, just for once. You've always been this scared kid, always ahead of your time, worrying about things you shouldn't, always aware of your mom's opinion, always making sure you didn't disappoint your dad. Just wander unethered, discover, experience, dance, smile. You should be enjoying this for Christ's sake! You're climbing a tree! The most beautiful of all trees, not a malicious one but the kindest tree of all. How on earth would he want you to fall? On the contrary, he's moving with you, making sure you get your steps right, tilting towards your restless feet, enjoying with you, dancing together in the most gracious sunny day.

And so it was it.

We both became one.

Years later I would climb that tree again, many other trees as well, but I never got to feel the same.

Our bodies emerged together. Dear Merciful Tree, your Beauty remains untouchable, you are still unique. You made me feel alive. Jubilant. Young. I kept on climbing and I reached the top. I could feel the power of gravity, I could feel the sun getting hotter, I could see my dear friend not caring at all, I could see my home, I could see the sea, I could see a bigger piece of the world, I could see a bigger piece of myself. That tree loved me there and then.