Paddyland

Sh, be quiet, everybody here is either a psycho or a robot or a serial killer. Look at that guy over there, walking alongside the river. Ps, no, honey be low key, I don’t want to get myself killed. There. Do you see him? Notice his red eye glasses. Who the hell wears red eye glasses? You know the rule? Either you are a rockstar or a hipster or a fashion designer. Or... a robot. Ok, I’m gonna give this guy the benefit of the doubt. He may be a musician. Khaki pants, brown timberland shoes, white shirt and... red eye glasses? Ok, ok, I’m not panicking, it’s just that... yeah, let’s hold hands.

There, see the sign? “We want to own our lives”, see the picture of the man fighting a robot over his bagel? They will. Someday, they will take over us and everything around us.

Ok baby, ok, fine... it’s just that I can’t control these feelings. I never been in this town before. Ever since I was born, Paddyland has always been a joke for me. I remember this radio podcast every morning at 8 am when I went to school, my Father listened to it and laughed his head off. “GOOOOOOD MORNING PADDYLAND!” the guy would say, and there were all these characters who lived there.

The pink monkey, the posh lady who always complained about her tea being cold, the 10 year old homeless obsessed with Dickens, the Mexican man who sold magic apples (no one but him knew what they could do), the Irish man who smoked Gitanes, the policeman that carried flowers from one city department to another, this detective who didn’t give a shit about his cases and was crazy about Nick Cave, this serial killer who everyone knew about and didn’t give a damn, and the freaking robots! You must have heard about the red eye glasses robots baby, ugh. Freaks.

But anyway, until today I didn’t even know this place existed for real. I’ve been living in London for 30 years, Christ, my entire life. Never heard of Paddyland being reffered to as a real town, not until this cousin of yours invited us over. Was it really necessary? Having to go through all this I mean. First the train's delay, then the train derailed, and then, why on earth would they say Paddyland is a station -on the screens I mean, you saw it too- and when we get in it, it’s not a stop anymore? I don’t get this honey, it’s just weird. There’s something about this place... you saw the taxi driver.

“Paddyland: the city where nothing ever happens”. Who would come up with an advertisement like that?

God. This breeze is nice though. I could use some fresh air for a change. It's not like I don't like the city, you know I wouldn't dare live nowhere else. But you can get a bit tired of it, right? You know what I mean? Green landscapes once in a while can't hurt you. There, see? Look at that little bird drinking water from the river, adorable. Wow he flies fast. Oh, looks like he's coming over here... shit, watch out! What the hell? Hey, get out! He's trying to steal our map for Christ's sake! Mind you own business little bastard! Baby no, hold on to the map, we can't afford to get lost again. There, fly away you, back to the river, back to your freaking water. Adorable my ass.

Let's get back to our thing, we need to get this done. So we are on the right side of the river, and this house apparently is on the left side of it. But why -from what it looks here at least- why should we not cross the river? This is such a tiny town and yet it's so hard to understand how it works. Baby, how come are you so ok with all of this? We've been here for almost two hours, in a thirty-block-crazy-freaking-town with black little birds trying to steal our map -which I'm starting to believe is useless anyway- and this flowing (probably enchanted) green river doesn't make any sense. At all. Screw this, I'm asking for help.

Let's get in this store. “Paddy's pocket watch repair masters. We'll sort it. Come in and just WATCH”. Jesus.

Hi sir, good morning.

Hello there mates!

We are trying to get here, see? This house over here, just a block away from the river. Do you know what's the most convenient way to go?

Let me see... mhhmm... I'm not sure you want to get this road, it's bloody dangerous. This one... neither. Oh, this one! Yes, so you want to take this street to the right, then make two steps backwards and turn right again, you will walk right under this plane that's getting here right now, then you want to look down and mind this cliff over here, then you'll find this big tree, walk around it for about three complete circles, you can take an apple! They are delicious and special. I'm afraid you will have to swim this little bit, I hope you don't mind getting wet, but don't worry because as soon as you get off the river there's a sandy sunny beach where you can chill and dry yourselves. You'll walk past a little tiny jungle and  then, just a couple of miles away, you'll see your cousin's house. It's not as hard as it sounds! Believe me.

They both looked at each other, confused. They left the store and it looked as if a hard rain was gonna fall.

Baby, she said pointing to a tree, look. It’s a pink monkey.